Tag Archives: life

Graham grade 3

I like sleep. I like it a lot. So waking up in the dark a full hour before I had to was not my favourite way to start the day. Waking up frightened, with a cold, hard pain in my chest even less so.

What kind of mother kicks her child out of the house? Don’t answer that. I have several excellent, well thought out answers lined up beside me right now. I don’t like any of them. In fact, I have been glaring at their calm, all-knowing, smug faces for several months now. It’s no good. I don’t like where I am now. Sorry, I really really fucking hate where I am now and the decisions I have to make. That sounds better. I have two more, very difficult months in front of me and I’m already so very tired.

I love my son.  I don’t always like the young man who lives with me now. The one who lies and steals, the one I have to keep things locked up around. My family has to keep things under lock and key and we’ve not done anything wrong. It’s exhausting, but how can I send him out?

He “ships out” on October 14th. My son, Canadian like the rest of us, has enrolled in the Untied States Marine Corps. Not a future I would have picked for him, but more and more it is looking like the only chance he has to straighten himself out. Now I’m in the somewhat ironic position of trying to keep him qualified so he can, in fact, go to boot camp. How did I get here??

Do I ruin his best hope by kicking him out? What’s fair? I have two other children who do not deserve this life in limbo lock down. We have all put our lives on hold for almost three years tying to help him, and for what??

The thought of putting him out makes me physically ill. It makes me cry. It makes my chest ache. But shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t this be really fucking hard? What does it say about you if it is not?

My oldest daughter leaves for school half a country away this month. I’m sad, proud, scared, happy and about fifty other emotions about it. I’m not forcing her out. She’s growing and leaving on her own, and while it’s not an easy transition, it is an expected one. One I can talk to empathetic friends about. Who do I talk to about my son? Where is the “What to Expect When” book with its handy check boxes and explanations of life changes and physical symptoms?? There’s no Worst Case Survival article on this. Alligator attacks and quick sand, but no steps to take to ensure you will survive sending your 18 year old son out of your home. If only all I needed to do was to stay calm and lie flat.

Maybe that is the point. There is no right way to do this. Maybe you’re not suppose  to be calm. This sort of thing is suppose to hurt like hell if you’re doing it right. Meanwhile the world goes on.

Wild Geese – Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles though the dessert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


Things I want my kids to know, and try to remember for myself too

20130613_090021_1Your ego will fuck you over,  worse than any person or situation ever could

A quiet morning with a good cup of coffee is worth getting up early for

Sunshine is a beautiful gift too often taken for granted

Your feet are really important,  take good care of them

Every day that you are alive is a gift,  try to remember that

Love is unconditional,  liking is another story

Be kind,  to everyone, period,  really, this is THE thing that will see all of us through our short time on this planet

We live on a planet first, countries later, and lastly homes, try to behave accordingly

Feed people,  care for them,  not just on holidays,  every single day

Smile. Make eye contact when you do it. Do it a lot, everyone will feel better

Show up and do what needs to be done,  do more than needs to be done.  Do this every day

It’s best if you don’t get everything you want

Keep moving, your body, or mind, your soul at whatever speed is your own,  stagnation is death

Carry others when they cannot carry themselves

Do good,  not for any reward or recognition, but because that is why we are alive and on this planet

Look around you, the world is full of beauty and of gifts that you are not noticing

Listen to people,  turn off your own running monologue and just listen

Dance, whatever dancing is to you. Open your spirit and enjoy yourself

Listen to music you love, everyday,  it will feed your soul

Be alone and be quiet.

Everyday work on loving the person you are right now, not the person you want to or wish to be. Love yourself,  right now, grow from there

Forgive yourself,  forgive everyone else, for your own sanity

No one thinks they are the bad guy, everyone, EVERYONE is doing the best they can

Let yourself love an animal, let yourself love something that will die before you.

Let your heart get broken, over and over again

Stay open and vulnerable,  even when it hurts,  especially when it hurts, this will open you to the beauty of the world

Fight for those who cannot,  lend them your heart, your voice, your strength and your love. One day someone will stand and fight for you

Speak your mind with love

Laugh!! Everyday, many times. Your sense of humour will keep you sane. Never take yourself or your life too seriously to laugh at. Laughter keeps the importance of things in perspective.

Surround yourself with people who love and value you. Stay away from those who do not, they will suck the joy out of your life, don’t give them the opportunity.

Do others the honour of seeing your real self, your scars, your warts,  your self loathing and your unspeakable beauty

Love and honour something greater than yourself

The world is not here for your entertainment,  you are here to do some good in whatever form you can manage

People will not behave as you like, this has nothing to do with you

What other people think of you is none of your business

Resist absolutes, judgements and black vs white,  and good vs bad thinking, it’s lazy and will not serve you

A person’s skin colour, gender, sexual identity,  social status has absolutely NOTHING to do with their value as a person

Be mindful of your own biases
Everything begins with your thoughts, your actions, values and character all grow from your thoughts,  make them worthwhile

Change happens, always, get used to it

You will change,  this is a very good thing, try not to fight it too much

Read. Read. Read.  Read everything you can, you are blessed to be able to read and to have so much available to read,  do not ever stop reading, it will make you a better person

Be passionate about something, live your life in a way that expresses this passion

You will get hurt,  you will suffer in your life, this is not optional.  Use it to make yourself kinder,  softer,  more empathetic so you can be there for the next person who is suffering.  Don’t let your hurts make you hard and bitter.

Get out of your comfort zone, regularly,  this is where you learn and where you grow

Make mistakes and spend your time learning from from them instead of beating yourself up over them. Mistakes aren’t optional,  what you do with them is up to you

Nothing’s good or bad that thinking makes it so, decide how you want to think and then do it

Practice moderation,  and then truly enjoy the things you love

What a person says and does says everything about them and has nothing to do with you

Remember always you are precious beyond all measure and loved no matter what.