Today is overwhelming. Today I am Barney Rubble and I’m mean and mad. Today I am thinking totally unkind thoughts about so many things. Not fun. I’d love a little break, to move forward. Every time I think, yes! now I can move on, now I can make plans a new and worse reality comes bashing down. This month I was going to be back in school. Working at something I liked. But instead I’m caring for my ill child. Does that make me sound heartless or what? Truth is I’m tired. I’m tired of every time there is a glimmer of hope and I think, ah… now things will get better, it turns out to be nothing.

This week we had the insurance company say that they wouldn’t pay for my son to get the treatment that his medical professionals said he needed. Last week he was in really bad shape, last week he had an emergency hospital admission. Last week he was ready to die.

But hey, everyone knows that with a couple of days of treatment you get over that, right? That mental illness is something people just do for attention. I mean come on, people just need some willpower, to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get on with life and stop being so goddamn dramatic. Honestly. We need to stop coddling these ‘mentally ill’ drama queens, right?

Except, no. 

So, here I am, again. Life on hold again. No job, and I’m not sure if I can even get one because my days will be spent watching over my child. Well, except for the few hours a day that we still have coverage for, and I imagine those will be cut off soon enough. So yeah, I’m overwhelmed, unimpressed and really have no bloody idea how to cope with this. We are appealing (doesn’t that sound like groveling? interesting word use there) – or more accurately, we  are fighting to make the soulless insurance company assholes live up to their fucking obligation and provide coverage when it’s required and not put someone’s well-being at risk because all the insurance companies care about is the money, and if they say differently they’re lying.

Yeah, I’m a little pissed. I want to help my son. I want him to get well enough to function with some independence. I want him to have some hope for himself and believe that he has some sort of future to look forward to.

I also want a pony.

There are programs that would do him a tremendous good, that could help him. There is no coverage for such programs so they might as well not exist for us.

Did I mention I wanted a pony? Right, not getting either am I?