Tag Archives: valentine’s day

story by gaslight

Dear Cupid

a letter with footnotes….

Dear Cupid₁

I wanted to personally₂ thank you for all the joy₃ you have brought into my life₄ thus far. My high school years were especially full₅ of your special touch with an arrow₆. As I grew and matured₇ I came to realize the unique role₈ that you would playin my life₉. Every step I took you were there₁₀. I have certainly been blessed₁₁ by your love₁₂. It is at this wonderful₁₃ time of the year that I really feel closest to you₁₄. So for all₁₅ you have done₁₆ I want to express my gratitude₁₇ properly₁₈. With a kiss₁₉.

Yours with Love₂₀
R

1 you atrocious nude hooligan
2 meaning up close and quite personal
3 years personal gut-wrenching anguish
4 if you could call it that
5 of scatological moments
6 were you aiming for my forehead?!
7 tried desperately to out run you – you grotty little louse
8 of my private naked tormentor
9 of pain and turmoil
10 shooting barbed arrows in my back
11 I didn’t know Beelzebub did blessings
12 love of inflicting exquisite psychological and physical torture
13 commercially forced-fed sentimental pink drivel
14 hard to miss you with this sharp arrow in my throat – you vile bastard!
15 Every last agonizing…
16 each and every arrow through my head, my back…
17 I purchased a cross-bow
18 so I would watch your spiteful nude arse
19 would you like to know where?
20 here’s to snapping your “little bow”

how to survive Valentine’s day

2 Replies

Vermont 50 Shades of Gray Teddy Bear – WITH ACCESSORIES

Okay so Valentine’s day is not my favourite. Maybe it’s the relentless consumerism, the over priced flowers, the heart shaped boxes, or this year, THIS – what the Honest-To-God-FUCK? A Teddy Bear with fucking handcuffs! WITH HANDCUFFS.

But today, I’m actually having a grand time, and here are my top 10 tips for getting through this

Make a new playlist for your class. Play it in the car, sing along, loudly. Play it for your class, sing along, loudly. Play it as much as you damn well please.
Read this, Things Not to Wear after You’re 50, and decide Resting Bitch Face IS the new black, and actually goes with everything you own, and dick punching reality into submission sounds really damn attractive, and kinda sexy.
Then follow up with why cursing is excellent and good for your soul, and rejoice at words like dumbfuckery, fuckstockings, sod off, wanker, asshat etc, etc
Meet a friend for lunch, be your real self, curse, laugh, talk about the interesting stuff. Hug, because life is short.
Read this, because pubic hair, it’s important today folks.
Lend someone your favourite book? Did they keep it as a trophy? Buy yourself a new damn copy. Read it. In bed.
Buy a really rich chocolate cupcake, enjoy the crap out of it, lick your fingers.
Make Valentines for your coworkers, hide them, smile secretly.
Go see Kingsmen with a girlfriend, because nothing says true love like Quentin Tarantino and Colin Firth.
Bash 50 Shades of Gray for it promotion of abusive relationships, because “ain’t nobody got time for that shit in their lives”, and to make a movie about it was reprehensible and stupid, and to watch it even stupider. Sorry (NOT sorry) if you love it. (also, recall just how poorly written the damn thing was which is why you only made it through the first chapter)