Tag Archives: valentine’s day

story by gaslight


self portrait

you know how
you tell stories

like they’re just
and not really you

like the one where you
were gutted.

that’s just a story
you tell
about a man

you opened to
over and over
until he gutted you, saying
he was just like that, toxic.

just like that, but
he couldn’t
lose you.

so you tell a new story
you come back,
again and again
until you tell
your story
by gaslight.

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Dear Cupid


Yes, it’s that time of year again, and yes, I still have the same unfortunate attitude about it. I keep waiting for a year where this poem with not resonate with me, but this year is not the year, so enjoy!

a letter with footnotes….

Dear Cupid1

I wanted to personally2 thank you for all the joy3 you have brought into my life4 thus far. My high school years were especially full5 of your special touch with an arrow6. As I grew and matured7 I came to realize the unique role8 that you would playin my life9. Every step I took you were there10. I have certainly been blessed11 by your love12. It is at this wonderful13 time of the year that I really feel closest to you14. So for all15 you have done16 I want to express my gratitude17 properly18. With a kiss19.

Yours with Love20

1 you atrocious nude hooligan
2 meaning up close and quite personal
3 years personal gut-wrenching anguish
4 if you could call it that
5 of scatological moments
6 were you aiming for my forehead?!
7 tried desperately to out run you – you grotty little louse
8 of my private naked tormentor
9 of pain and turmoil
10 shooting barbed arrows in my back
11 I didn’t know Beelzebub did blessings
12 love of inflicting exquisite psychological and physical torture
13 commercially forced-fed sentimental pink drivel
14 hard to miss you with this sharp arrow in my throat – you vile bastard!
15 Every last agonizing…
16 each and every arrow through my head, my back…
17 I purchased a cross-bow
18 so I would watch your spiteful nude arse
19 would you like to know where?
20 here’s to snapping your “little bow”

how to survive Valentine’s day

wtf 50 shades

Vermont 50 Shades of Gray Teddy Bear – WITH ACCESSORIES

Okay so Valentine’s day is not my favourite. Maybe it’s the relentless consumerism, the over priced flowers, the heart shaped boxes, or this year, THIS – what the Honest-To-God-FUCK? A Teddy Bear with fucking handcuffs! WITH HANDCUFFS.

But today, I’m actually having a grand time, and here are my top 10 tips for getting through this  wpid-2015-02-14_16.57.12.jpg

  1. Make a new playlist for your class. Play it in the car, sing along, loudly. Play it for your class, sing along, loudly. Play it as much as you damn well please.
  2. Read this, Things Not to Wear after You’re 50, and decide Resting Bitch Face IS the new black, and actually goes with everything you own, and dick punching reality into submission sounds really damn attractive, and kinda sexy.
  3. Then follow up with why cursing is excellent and good for your soul, and rejoice at words like dumbfuckery, fuckstockings, sod off, wanker, asshat etc, etc
  4. Meet a friend for lunch, be your real self, curse, laugh, talk about the interesting stuff. Hug, because life is short.
  5. Read this, because pubic hair, it’s important today folks.
  6. Lend someone your favourite book? Did they keep it as a trophy? Buy wpid-20150214_164632.jpgyourself a new damn copy. Read it. In bed.
  7. Buy a really rich chocolate cupcake, enjoy the crap out of it, lick your fingers.
  8. Make Valentines for your coworkers, hide them, smile secretly.
  9. Go see Kingsmen with a girlfriend, because nothing says true love like Quentin Tarantino and Colin Firth.
  10. Bash 50 Shades of Gray for it promotion of abusive relationships, because “ain’t nobody got time for that shit in their lives”, and to make a movie about it was reprehensible and stupid, and to watch it even stupider. Sorry (NOT sorry) if you love it. (also, recall just how poorly written the damn thing was which is why you only made it through the first chapter)

When all else fails, watch this