Tag Archives: humour

my life in bullet points and pictures

All images by Allie Brosh from Hyperbole and a Half, because she gets me, ya know? http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

So many things. So many feels. ALL of the feels. That would be my life right now.

Menopause + Mercury Retrograde

The Highlights, The Lowlights, The ‘No Lights at the End of the Tunnel’ Lights

Mood Swings: MORE moods, MORE often, ALL the moods in ONE day, ALL the moods in ONE moment, Ten moods for the price of One!, BUY ONE and get 3 Bazillion FREE moods, ‘Happy Roller coaster moods’, ‘Sad Roller coaster moods’, ‘Happy/Sad/Mad Roller coaster moods’, ‘Roller coaster without a seatbelt moods’, ‘Roller coaster without a seatbelt and a broken rail moods’, ‘Completely overworked roller coaster metaphor because you couldn’t come up with anything else, so just sod off will ya’ kind of mood.

Tears: Sad tears, Happy tears, Mad tears, ‘Happy/Sad/Mad at the same time’ tears WITH boogers, ‘Stupid love song comes on the radio’ tears, ‘Drive by that restaurant you had that date in’ tears, ‘Friends being nice to you’ tears, ‘Nobody will ever love me’ tears, ‘Rejection’ tears, ‘Why I am watching this stupid fecking movie’ tears, ‘somebody ate the last slice of pesto pizza’ tears, ‘why didn’t I buy the stupid waterproof mascara’ tears, ‘we were suppose to do that together’ tears, ‘we were suppose to ride the roller coasters together, dammit’ tears.

Communication: Stupid texts, ‘Happy/Sad/Mad’ texts, ‘completely overworked roller coaster mood metaphor’ texts, ‘Foot-In-Mouth’ texts and emails and words coming out of my mouth (around my toes), cell phone glitches, computer glitches, music glitches, ‘omg, ALL the fecking spreadsheets’ glitches.

Appearance: Hair: Lord. In all the wrong places, in “honey, you should really get that waxed’ places, in the ‘feck it, I’m just going going to grow the hair on my legs and wear long pants because no one will ever looks at my legs again’ places. And Very poorly behaved hair in the proper places. Skin: ‘buying ALL the kinds of cream in the Beauty aisle’ skin, skin doing all the wrong things on all the wrong places.

Indignities: People having ‘banal conversations below your waist whilst your (unwaxed) legs dangling in the stirrups’ indignities, ‘little cough now dear’ indignities, ‘this will only hurt for a moment dear’ indignities (also not true), ‘the whole fecking reason for all the indignities evaporating in one phone conversation about too much drama’ indignity.

Food: Doughnuts for breakfast, cereal for dinner, ice cream for dinner, pizza every damn meal because I just feel like it, okay?! Cake, because Cake. Chocolate, dark chocolate, dark chocolate truffles with fancy expensive tastes added stuffed in my mouth three at time, dark chocolate with pizza and ice cream by the fist full while watching television that makes me cry, chocolate on the fecking tissues because apparently I can’t stuff chocolate in my mouth and cry at the same time without making a mess and wasting chocolate.

Allie’s images are brilliant, she manages to convey a wide range of emotions with a few lines and still manages a sense of humour. I’m working on the sense of humour part.

this one’s mine, computer generated

So yeah. It’s been a ride. An overused roller coster metaphoric kind of ride. It will pass. Retrograde will end, I’ll figure out the menopause thing. All of this will pass.

Don’t waste the pretty

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After much prompting I read He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt on my vacation last week. I know, I know, I’m WAY behind the curve on this one. I also watched the movie, but the book is MUCH better, just in case you were about to say, I’ve seen the movie I don’t need to read the book. Read the book.

Wow. Greg where have you been all my life? I feel like my eyes have been pried open, not in that Clockwork Orange kind of way, but then again, it wasn’t too far off of that. Let’s just say I’ve had to give up many (cough! almost ALL) of my preconceived ideas about men, how they think, and what behaviours actually mean, and while ultimately this is good, and often humourous, it was also kind of painful.

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time? Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. “Busy” does not mean “better.”

Mostly I’m going to quote the book for this blog, because Greg really gets right to the point.

100% of guys polled said “a fear of intimacy” has never stopped them from getting into a relationship. One guy even remarked, “Fear of intimacy is an urban myth.” Another guy said, “That’s just what we say to girls when we’re just not that into them.”

“And above all, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start “figuring him out,” please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find the one that is.”
― Liz Tuccillo

“But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.”

“Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.”

and this one especially

“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you”

Okay Greg, I think I get it.

the sum total of my wisdom, thus far

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“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
― Socrates

Your ego will fuck you over, worse than any person or situation ever could
A quiet morning with a good cup of coffee is worth getting up early for
Sunshine is a beautiful gift too often taken for granted
Your feet are really important, take good care of them
Every day that you are alive is a gift, try to remember that
Love is unconditional, liking is another story
Be kind, to everyone, period, really, this is THE thing that will see all of us through our short time on this planet
We live on a planet first, countries later, and lastly homes, try to behave accordingly
Feed people, care for them, not just on holidays, every single day
Smile. Make eye contact when you do it. Do it a lot, everyone will feel better
Show up and do what needs to be done, do more than needs to be done. Do this every day
It’s best if you don’t get everything you want
Keep moving, your body, or mind, your soul at whatever speed is your own, stagnation is death
Carry others when they cannot carry themselves
Do good, not for any reward or recognition, but because that is why we are alive and on this planet
Look around you, the world is full of beauty and of gifts that you are not noticing
Listen to people, turn off your own running monologue and just listen
Dance, whatever dancing is to you. Open your spirit and enjoy yourself
Listen to music you love, everyday, it will feed your soul
Be alone and be quiet.
Everyday work on loving the person you are right now, not the person you want to or wish to be. Love yourself, right now, grow from there
Forgive yourself, forgive everyone else, for your own sanity
No one thinks they are the bad guy, everyone, EVERYONE is doing the best they can
Let yourself love an animal, let yourself love something that will die before you.
Let your heart get broken, over and over again
Stay open and vulnerable, even when it hurts, especially when it hurts, this will open you to the beauty of the world
Fight for those who cannot, lend them your heart, your voice, your strength and your love. One day someone will stand and fight for you
Speak your mind with love
Laugh!! Everyday, many times. Your sense of humour will keep you sane. Never take yourself or your life too seriously to laugh at. Laughter keeps the importance of things in perspective.
Surround yourself with people who love and value you. Stay away from those who do not, they will suck the joy out of your life, don’t give them the opportunity.
Do others the honour of seeing your real self, your scars, your warts, your self loathing and your unspeakable beauty
Love and honour something greater than yourself
The world is not here for your entertainment, you are here to do some good in whatever form you can manage
People will not behave as you like, this has nothing to do with you
What other people think of you is none of your business
Resist absolutes, judgements and black vs white, and good vs bad thinking, it’s lazy and will not serve you
A person’s skin colour, gender, sexual identity, social status has absolutely NOTHING to do with their value as a person
Be mindful of your own biases
Everything begins with your thoughts, your actions, values and character all grow from your thoughts, make them worthwhile
Change happens, always, get used to it
You will change, this is a very good thing, try not to fight it too much
Read. Read. Read. Read everything you can, you are blessed to be able to read and to have so much available to read, do not ever stop reading, it will make you a better person
Be passionate about something, live your life in a way that expresses this passion
You will get hurt, you will suffer in your life, this is not optional. Use it to make yourself kinder, softer, more empathetic so you can be there for the next person who is suffering. Don’t let your hurts make you hard and bitter.
Get out of your comfort zone, regularly, this is where you learn and where you grow
Make mistakes and spend your time learning from from them instead of beating yourself up over them. Mistakes aren’t optional, what you do with them is up to you
Nothing’s good or bad that thinking makes it so, decide how you want to think and then do it
Practice moderation, and then truly enjoy the things you love
What a person says and does says everything about them and has nothing to do with you
Remember always you are precious beyond all measure and loved no matter what.

be fucking brave

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So this. I’m riding my own personal crazy train right now. One of my own making, from the full steam ahead steam engine that burns red hot, fiery coal 24/7, through car after car full of personal baggage of all shapes, sizes, weights and colours, to the caboose that can only look back and wonder what, the fuck, was I thinking?

Aside: I did quit that job, and I LOVE the job I have now, the rest, it’s a work in progress.

This quote, and a few dear friends are currently what is holding me together. Also, quite a bit of chocolate, and singing to very loud music in the car, off key, every single time I drive. I’m not kidding, tonight is was Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off. This guy does it better. Yesterday it was Eurythmics, Smiths, and R.E.M. all day.

I used to think that when I turned 20 two major things would happen. 1. I’d be given the ‘adult handbook’, and 2. my skin would clear up. You know the handbook that ALL the grown ups had. The one that gave you the answers to life. No more teenage and young adult angst for me, I would finally have the ansewers, and then BOOM, I would figure life out and become a happy, well adjusted financially secure adult. Apparently there is no such book. You can imagine my disappointment at having to figure things out for myself, and don’t even talk to me about my skin. Honestly, how does anybody figure anything out? I am a hot mess with passable hair on a good day, and on a bad, I shove it into a pony tail.

My ego took a hit last week. It was not pretty. I wasn’t so pretty, except for my hair, I had a good hair week, so it wasn’t all bad. I was just mostly bad. I may have got a little crazy, or as I like to say, super sized extra crispy crazy with side of hysterical hot sauce. Yep, I’m a grown up, and I still cannot figure this stuff out. My brain has this section I call the the hamster wheel section where all my crazy ideas spin faster and faster. I’m not allowed to go there without a friend.

how do they know?

Fortunately, I have great friends. I spent tonight drinking pop, diet pop even… from a Wonder Woman glass, eating chocolates and watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding with a friend, and then confessed all my crazy thoughts and actions and, she still loves me and sent me home with cupcakes and a fortune cookie that said “Be willing to admit you may be wrong, you’re only human”. That’s love for ya.

how to survive Valentine’s day

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Vermont 50 Shades of Gray Teddy Bear – WITH ACCESSORIES

Okay so Valentine’s day is not my favourite. Maybe it’s the relentless consumerism, the over priced flowers, the heart shaped boxes, or this year, THIS – what the Honest-To-God-FUCK? A Teddy Bear with fucking handcuffs! WITH HANDCUFFS.

But today, I’m actually having a grand time, and here are my top 10 tips for getting through this

Make a new playlist for your class. Play it in the car, sing along, loudly. Play it for your class, sing along, loudly. Play it as much as you damn well please.
Read this, Things Not to Wear after You’re 50, and decide Resting Bitch Face IS the new black, and actually goes with everything you own, and dick punching reality into submission sounds really damn attractive, and kinda sexy.
Then follow up with why cursing is excellent and good for your soul, and rejoice at words like dumbfuckery, fuckstockings, sod off, wanker, asshat etc, etc
Meet a friend for lunch, be your real self, curse, laugh, talk about the interesting stuff. Hug, because life is short.
Read this, because pubic hair, it’s important today folks.
Lend someone your favourite book? Did they keep it as a trophy? Buy yourself a new damn copy. Read it. In bed.
Buy a really rich chocolate cupcake, enjoy the crap out of it, lick your fingers.
Make Valentines for your coworkers, hide them, smile secretly.
Go see Kingsmen with a girlfriend, because nothing says true love like Quentin Tarantino and Colin Firth.
Bash 50 Shades of Gray for it promotion of abusive relationships, because “ain’t nobody got time for that shit in their lives”, and to make a movie about it was reprehensible and stupid, and to watch it even stupider. Sorry (NOT sorry) if you love it. (also, recall just how poorly written the damn thing was which is why you only made it through the first chapter)

When all else fails, watch this

dear reader

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Dear gentle reader,

I would like to remind you that you don’t have to read this blog. If you find it slanderous, upsetting, irritating, embarrassing, if you are disgusted by it, or experience any other unpleasant sensation while reading “this shit I write”. I urge you to stop reading, and move onto things that you find more pleasant.

Perhaps these videos would be less distressing?

Best,

Emma and Toad

cataclysmic cosmic approaching catatonic

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The best laid plans

careful what you wish for
things couldn’t get any worse
you can’t please all of the people all of the time
or even some of the time
sometimes none of the time
sometimes not even yourself
so what’s up with this stupid pleasing thing?

and this you must always remember
never forget
no good deed will ever (ever) go unpunished

friends don’t let friends … what?
and what is it that friends let friends do?
should do?
let do, don’t do, should do, will do – with who?
will this be on the final exam?

planning.
planning is over rated
spontaneity, on the other hand
(there will always be another hand to keep you on your toes)
spontaneity can bite you so hard on your ass it bleeds
(ass biting on the other hand can be under rated)

and as a rule try to express yourself
clearly.
succinctly.
distinctly. vividly. quickly. blissfully. skillfully.
but not sillily. lyrically. and never timidly or fitfully.

and another thing
~~scratch that last thought~~
and skip the conversation – its over rated
and can lead to planning
and we all know where that can get you

and sometimes even well placed
“humorous loving support”
can mean fuck all
yes, yes heartbreakingly sad, but true
these times may call for biting sarcasm
and excessive speed

and when you plan
(plan – a four letter word)
to run away
when that escape opportunity opens up
you should Get the Fuck Out of Dodge
do not pause.
do not think.
do not pass go. just
LEAVE

and when you miss that chance
or the chance misses you
or the fates intervene
or whatthefuckever
what do you do?
rant-wallowinwords-tantrum
try-to-find-the-message-in-all?

What if there is no fuckin message?
What if you’re really stuck in dodge?

so what?

So WHAT?

so what if you’ve simply fallen into a
Cataclysmic Cosmic approaching Catatonic
Cluster Fuck
and THAT’S where you were always
meant to be?

So what…

adventures in dating

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I decided to start dating. Actually dating. First time at it (save for 2 absolute disaster blind dates) since the 80’s.

What am I thinking?

What I am thinking:

I have spent decades taking care of other people.
I have put other people’s needs before my own my entire life.
My life is never going to say, hey, you take some time for yourself now, we’ll all be fine. I’m going to have to take that time for myself.
I’m not getting any younger.
I’m a lot of fun.

Last week I joined an online dating site. I wrote a fairly irreverent and silly description of myself which included references to Monty Python, Shakespeare, The Princess Bride and a semi-naughty poem. I posted the insanely flattering professional photo of me that makes me look like a movie star. I also posted photos of me after a Warrior Dash, in a yoga class, messing around with my kids, and a couple of my feet in interesting places to make me look worldly and slightly mysterious. Then I started looking at the men the site suggested.

I am new at this, but I do have a few suggestion for men on the site:

Don’t say you’re athletic and toned if you’re not – seems obvious, but…
Those pictures of you holding the big fish you caught, all ten of them? Yeah, not a real turn on.
Posing with various weapons? Ditto.
Shots of you with animals you have killed? Double Ditto. (or I might not be your demographic)
I’m very flattered you think I’m hot, but maybe there could be a few more things you could mention in your note to me?
The picture with your ex where you’ve blurred out her face? Not so endearing. Get a friend to snap a picture of just you with your phone.
Selfies in the bathroom – just don’t, I’m not ready to see your toilet yet.
I realize you love your dog/cat/kid/kids but no more than a couple of pictures of them, they’re not why I’m here. (also your dog who died last year? why would you put up that one?)
Why are you wearing sunglasses in all your pictures? Where you burned by acid?
Why are you wearing baseball caps in all your pictures? Do you have hair or not, just let me know one way or another, I can deal with it, really.
That’s a very nice sportscar / motorcycle / sports utility vehicle, but maybe you could save all those manly photos for the guys who would probably be very impressed by them (again, I may not be your demographic).
Spell check, spell check, spell check. No, really, it’s important.
Don’t send me your address, I’m not going to come over to your house, even if you offer me presents.
Try to write something that doesn’t involve the words soulmate, sunset, long walks, holding hands, sensitive, loving, or true love (unless you’re quoting the Princess Bride, and then bonus points).

In spite of this list I have met several wonderful men. No soul mates, but I wasn’t looking for one. Something about dating in my 50th year has given me a freedom I never had before. If I like someone, I’ll have a coffee with them, if I don’t, I won’t. I chat with who I like, and don’t take it personally if someone decides not to see me. It has turned into great fun. I had a much better face and body in my 20s, but my 49 year old mind is a much happier and much more secure one.

Onto to week 2 and more adventures.